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No such luck as she became pregnant shortly after. Now I was trapped. I knew for years this wasn’t right for me but couldn’t bring myself to end it. Now I was screwed. I went off the deep end into alcoholism. I would drink in secret at home, hiding vodka around the interior and exterior, I’d go to work, but a six pack of IPAs and drink those in secret at work. I tried searching for women to have an affair with because I felt so unfulfilled. I began self-harming by hitting myself in the head whenever she’d get mad which was often. She would get really angry about that because she was convinced I was doing it to make her feel guilty for yelling at me or calling me stupid. When in reality I did it because I hated myself so much and wanted to die. I’d fantasize about jumping in front of trains.

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